Welcome to the “Actually, Your NFL Team’s New QB is Amazing” segment. Earlier editions can be read here:
There’s no other way to describe what happened to newly acquired Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Mitch Trubisky: he got cucked. Mitch got himself back out there in free agency this offseason looking for a long-term relationship after casual flirting with the Bills for a year while recovering from an abusive four-year relationship with the Amber Heard of the NFL. Well, minus the looks.
I looked up how successful past team-cucked quarterbacks have been on ESPN.com and after failing to find anything realized it’s a stat I just made up; so I crunched the numbers myself. A team-cucked quarterback is a veteran who played the field in free agency, found a new love in a new city, consummated the relationship with a deal on paper, and was immediately cheated on for a younger model in the first round of the NFL draft. It’s a brutal situation, but what happened to Mitch is hardly a rare occurrence and it makes me believe Leonardo DiCaprio would at least make a half-decent NFL GM.
The good news for Steeler’s fans is that Mitch isn’t just another statistic. Despite being subjected to colossal failure head coach Matt Nagy, Mitch holds the highest career completion percentage for any quarterback who was team-cucked before age 30:
Real talk: Tim Tebow was not on my short list of possible QB cuckers I was expecting to see. What a sly dog. And to think he did Brady Quinn dirty – one of the hunkier QBs to ever come out of college. So I’ve been told. And let’s all at least try to act surprised to see that Deshaun Watson cucked a record high three quarterbacks. At least that’s all that have come forward, but I’m sure this is just coincidence. And shout out Mike Glennon for putting himself back out there after getting cucked in 2017 only to get cucked again in 2018. But this article is about Mitch. Mitch makes a good case for being king of the cucks not only because he leads the group in completion percentage during his pre-cucking period, but also because he’s the only one to also be both the cucker and the cuckee. And if you remove the age qualifier, Kurt Warner is the only team-cucked quarterback with a better completion percentage (66.0%) after the Giants strayed in 2003 for the much more fertile option in Philip Rivers.
If Mitch is going to be the guy in 2022, he’s going to have to prove it fast as history shows that team-cucked QBs average 4.66 games played before getting officially DiCaprio’d for the first rounder. But there’s reason to believe Mitch will come through after all. It’s well documented that Trubisky is the best quarterback in 66 degree weather:
With the advent of NFL analytics developing complex models and stats you can rest assured that someone in the Steelers analytics department crunched Mitch’s dominance in 66 degree weather and connected the dots to average September temperatures in Pittsburgh in 2021 (66.09):
Mitch would seem to be set up for September success at home. The problem is… they only play one game at home in September. That’s OK because they play at Cincinnati and Cleveland and that’s basically the same climate. But Mitch is much more versatile a quarterback than one that just leads in a silly stat like best completion percentage in 66 degrees. He holds the best completion percentage in 89 degrees too. No QB average more yards per attempt than Trubisky in the past two decades at 9.58 YPA:
Mitch is clearly the best quarterback this town has seen since about 342 Big Ben injuries ago. From 2019 to 2021, the best quarterback from a yards per attempt standpoint in Pittsburgh has been – you guessed it – running back Jalen Samuels (7.0 YPA). But with 6.4 YPA since 2019, Trubisky is at least a step up from a bruised and battered Big Ben (6.14). Mitch also brings his rushing ability to the table. The only Steeler QBs in the past 20 years to average more yards per scramble are Kordell Stewart and Michael “That’s Right, He Did Play For Pittsburgh didn’t He?” Vick.
In conclusion, I know a lot of Steeler fans are going to be anxious to see what Kenny Pickett has to offer but Mitch isn’t just any ole bargain bin free agent signing. He’s one that’s still in his 20s. I’ll end on a killer potential hype rhyme Wiz Khalifa has my permission to make into a “Black and Yellow” sequel:
Not since Mike Vick has our QB moved better on his knees; Mitch is the best quarterback in 66 and 89 degrees. And of all under age 30, he’s the king of the cuckees.
Steelers: 17-0.
