Welcome to a new segment! Give me a follow on Twitter because if you’re a fan of team who swung and missed in the QB acquisition department this offseason, I’ll be releasing statistical breakdowns proving your team’s new mediocre QB is actually amazing. We start in this edition with Drew Lock and the Seattle Seahawks. More teams to come soon, so hang in there.  

Introducing: Actually, Your Team’s New Quarterback is Amazing

I get it. The offseason didn’t go as well as you hoped in terms of magically fixing your favorite NFL team’s quarterback needs. The anger and disappointment from a blasé free agency and/or draft remains even after you read the title of this article on Twitter, rolled your eyes, and kept scrolling. But with anger and disappointment also comes a side of desperate hope. That very reason you scrolled back up and clicked this link.

Congratulations! I’m here to tell you that you have every reason to be excited for your team and your quarterback going into 2022. “But wait..”, you might say… “do you even realize I’m a fan of the…”

Stop right there. Doesn’t matter. Whatever team you’re down in dumps about, I got you covered. You might say there’s no way your new quarterback with no record of success (and a very clear record of unsuccess) will work out merely by being put in a new environment. Please consider this counterpoint:

I actually already started this segment with Carson Wentz, so Washington Commander fans can “look into it” here. But today is all about finding some way to get you hyped about…

Drew Lock: Seattle Seahawks

For the past ten years Seahawk fans have had to worry about their quarterback situation about as much as a ten year-old worries about treasury yields. Russell Wilson led them to two Super Bowls and took one home. Fans have been able to take the offseasons easy; spending their springs like grade-schoolers riding bikes laughing with friends without a care in the world. Then the 2022 offseason happened. What was once up is now down. In the blink of an eye, the sky turned pitch black and all of the sudden Seattle’s starting QB’s major stats flipped completely around and pulled this fanbase into the upside down:

Shit. I forgot, I’m supposed to show you acquiring Drew Lock is actually a good thing. That’s on me. Let’s try this again comparing passing yards per game. That’s a major stat too. Below you’ll find that if you look close enough, it is in fact Drew Lock who averaged more passing yards than Russell Wilson:

OK, hand up, that’s about the best I can do arguing for Drew Lock over Russell Wilson. There’s simply no statistical way to suggest Seattle fans have anything to be excited about if Drew Lock is their new QB. And that’s exactly how I’m going to pivot. What if I told you that the Seattle Seahawks didn’t actually sign Drew Lock? And if that doesn’t sound crazy enough, what if I told you they really signed Andrew Luck?

*Looks left* *Looks right*: Look here, I’m not trying to start any conspiracies, but did you know that Drew Lock started his career exactly the year after Andrew Luck ended his? Is it in any way possible that someone on the Colts was a big meanie head and Andrew just wanted to play with new friends on a different team and the only way to do that contractually was to be a different person? I’m just asking the question. I’m not saying this is true. But if he were to pull such a stunt, I wouldn’t put it past Andrew Luck lazily starting with the most obvious alias ever “Drew Luck” and upon realizing that putting a little white out on the ole driver’s license wasn’t going to cut it he just drew a top on the “U” in Luck to make Lock. This approach couldn’t be more relatable: wing something terribly and instead of starting over just patch up your shoddy work. Contracting 101 baby.

Now again, I’m not saying that I believe this happened. But out of curiosity, I did go back and review Andrew Lock’s – I mean Luck’s – retirement announcement from an ESPN article and couldn’t help but notice this direct quote from his presser: “I had a good idea that it might be my last time throwing at Lucas Oil as a current member of the Colts.” I don’t know about you, but that feels like a lot of qualifiers. Why just for the Colts? Well guess what “Drew Lock” team ended up playing the Indianapolis Colts in Lucas Oil Stadium the very next season:

This is fun and all, but at the end of the day, there’s simply no way Andrew Luck who is 6’4 tall could fake being Drew Lock’s height of… 6’4???? OK, I realize I’m quickly approaching Ace Ventura “Finkle is Einhorn, Einhorn is Finkle” territory, but I’m still going to need some forensic statistics to prove Andrew Luck is really disguised as Drew Lock who learned a few rap songs to seal his character on the sidelines. Below I compared stats for only the 12 teams that both QBs played in their career and, with one exception, only the first game of their respective careers vs that opponent. This removes padded stats vs other teams the other guy never played and prevents me from cherry-picking games to comp. The one exception is Houston when both QBs played the same week of the year in back to back years. Same tread on the tires in a season and vs basically the same team. Anyway, just look at how similar most of these performances are:

With the facts laid out, there’s only one conclusion a sane person can make of all this:

I’m not the hero Seattle Seahawks fans needed, but I am the alchemist. There is literally NO possible way to statistically make Drew Lock an enticing free agent pick up unless he’s in fact someone else entirely. I think I made my case here. I just turned the biggest Dunning-Kruger QB in terms of self-confidence/skill to one of the best college prospects ever who then went on to have an amazing, but “supposedly” short, career. Now, do I know why Luck was so bad the last three years? Not exactly, but I’d guess it’s all part of the character development. But I do know this, Andrew Luck was born in Washington DC, so I find it plausible that he thought Washington was his home state and when he googled flights from Indianapolis to Seattle there was a layover in Denver. You might see many flaws with this thinking, but remember this is the same guy named Andrew Luck that picked Drew Lock as his secret alias. I think this is a viable theory.

So there you were Seattle fans, thinking a season of misery was a lock. But I think you’re about to find out how luck-y you really are.

Seahawks: 17-0.