Ever feel like you can’t relate when reading sports articles touting some fantastic feat by Patrick Mahomes or Stephon Curry? Are you sitting in a cubicle right now reading this article to delay a work task you just know you’re going to screw up? Boy do I have an article for you.
Not too long ago I was at a bar chatting with PFT from the “Pardon My Take” podcast and he was curious to know which NBA player had the highest rate of offensive rebounds. The idea being: which NBA shooter is so chaotically bad that defenses have no idea how to prepare for the pending missed shot. If you think about it this makes a lot of sense – offensive rebounds are the perfect proxy for chaotic, terrible shooting. Defenders get into position to control the spots on the floor in which a reasonably missed shot is likely to end up. This gives defenses the advantage when skilled shot takers slightly miss the mark. But how does one plan for this guy?
Dennis Rodman couldn’t even work with this. You might think this guy can only be found in the wild at your local gym, but every now and then one sprouts in the NBA if only for a few short heat checks. Let’s find out who these guys are and celebrate their chaotic glory. The ones who took a wrong turn on their way to LA Fitness and ended up walking onto an NBA court. I developed a new sabermetric capable of identifying and quantifying these shot chuckers called the CLANK factor (Chaotic Lobbing At Nobody Knows).
CLANK Factor Defined
It’s pretty easy, CLANK rates equal the rate of shots resulting in offensive rebounds with just a couple rules:
Player must have at least 100 career shot attempts (proven CLANKers only, no one-CLANK wonders)
Self-rebounds don’t count (these are by-and-large misses close to the basket by a center and aren’t really chaotic shots thus cannot be considered CLANKs)
Before getting to the CLANK hall of fame it would help for you to understand what the average NBA player’s CLANK rate is. The histogram below plots CLANK percentage on shots rates for all players with at least 100 career shots. This produces a nice normal distribution which is important in statistics and reveals the overall NBA CLANK average is about 14%. The standard deviation is around 3ish-4ish I think so figure about 95% of players CLANK rates are 20ish-22ish percent or less.
Let’s get to the showrunners. Everybody step back. Way back. Here are your top-5 CLANKer Stars of the NBA:
#5: Elijah Millsap (NBA Career: 2014/15 – 2016/17)
83 CLANKs / 284 Career Shots (24%)
“Shooting guard” Elijah Millsap played his first two seasons with the Utah Jazz before getting cut in January of 2016 after shooting .282 from the field. But sometimes, you just need to find a team willing to give you a second chance to provide the confidence you need to succeed. The Phoenix Suns were that team in 2016/17 as they gave Millsap literally multiple games (2) to feel the heat again and shoot 1 for 7 from the field and three total points on the year before getting cut.
#4 Chris Herren (NBA Career: 1999/00 – 2000/01)
53 CLANKs / 220 Career Shots (24.1%)
3.2/1/2.4 (Points/Rebounds/Assists) is career slash line that could make any guy walking off the gym court dripping with boob sweat think: “I could probably do that”. Just know that after getting cut Herren went on the play in other leagues including the CBA in which he put up 63 in a game. So maybe sit down and let the boob sweat dry off a bit before thinking you could hit that slash line. Unfortunately for Herren, the CLANK’s must of have really took their toll as – true story – he ended up getting arrested for drug possession in the parking lot of a Duncan Donuts in 2007. No need to stand back up boob sweat guys, THAT I believe you can do. I was very much happy to discover that after dealing with a crippling drug problem, Herren was able to get sober and founded and ran a health and wellness nonprofit that stands strong today. Back in your seats boob sweat guys.
#3 Brodic Thomas (NBA Career: 2020/21 – ACTIVE)
30 CLANKS / 119 Career Shots (25.2%)
While every other name on this list is an extinct wash up, Brodic Thomas thrives as an active but endangered NBA CLANK star! But before flipping on a Celtics game to watch him do his thing you should know that Thomas is basically a league snow leopard. Yeah, he’s out there, but you may never see him. In fact, in his 1.5 year career he’s already on his third team so once you figure out who the hell he even is he’s gone forever. Had Nat Geo camped out in the stands for the first 27 Boston Celtics games this year, they would have been able to watch Brodic in action for all of 2:12 out of a possible 1,296:00 game minutes. And if they got the camera out for those short two minutes of action they would be able to zoom in on Brodic in action taking a total of exactly zero shots (at the time of writing this). On December 29 vs the Clippers, Brodic went 1/5 from the field with three CLANKs (one via a missed dunk). Seven games later he briefly escaped the bench to shoot 0-3 vs the Pacers with one CLANK. Go ahead boob sweat guys, you have permission to stand back up. I’m going to be honest, there was a few week gap in-between my analysis and the writing of this article so if Brodic makes it to the publication I’ll be shocked.
#2 Shane Heal (NBA Career: 1996/97 and 2003/04)
34 CLANKs / 123 Career Shots (27.6%)
Shane had a tough rookie year in 1996/97. I can’t imagine how anxious he was to work on his craft to shake the rust off for his second season. That’s because it took seven years for Shane to get a second season. After six games in 2003 with the Spurs, heal CLANKED eight of his 29 total shots before Popovich realized you can take CLANKer out of the league but you can’t take the CLANK out of the player.
#1 Chris Garner (NBA Career: 1997/98 and 2000/01)
31 CLANKS / 107 Career Shots (28.9%)
Like Heal, Chris Garner laid low for a few years after CLANKing up the joint his rookie year before blowing his second chance in just a few games. Heal blew his shot in six games while Garner was blessed with eight in which he shot 7/37. But before calling it a career he went out with a CLANK by missing his final 16 career shots. I’m not sure if that’s a record, but you better believe at some point I’ll look into it.
So there you have it. The top of the top CLANKer sores of the NBA so bad at shooting you could argue it actually helps. While this sabermetric is ahead of its time and not yet part of NBA analytics player efficiency models, I think it won’t be long before it merits a full chapter in a Seth Partnow book and teams routinely study how bad shooters miss as a factor when signing free agents. There’s value in being this bad and someone needs to stand up for these relatable wild cards who possess a very specific set of skills. Just not you, boob sweat guys.
