If you Commish a fantasy football league and don’t write up a mid-season report for the sole purpose of shitting on everyone as ruthlessly as possible, you’re doing it all wrong. I’ve been doing this for years and years and this year our league is going public with the Midseason Report™. I realize nobody cares about anyone else’s fantasy team, but what about a roast of an entire fantasy league? Probably still no. Yet, here you are.
Each year I provide fair and balanced account of each of the 12 teams in this standard league using straight statistics and facts as my means to obliterate everyone’s psyche to smithereens. And my credentials are not just rock solid, they are diamond solid as you will soon see. I created fantasy football wins above replacement (WAR) this past summer and am now a literal fantasy pro. My league members have been aware of my talents for years and they look up to me each year to provide them valuable constructive feedback to fuel their spirits down the home stretch of the season.
Quick point of reference before we get started. If you play on Yahoo, you know that they grade your performance as a team owner across all the years you’ve played. It’s basically a big mix of stats sorta like QBR and everyone’s score is broken down into percentiles with all Yahoo leagues like some college admission exam. Here’s a breakdown of the percentile levels:
Bronze might be good in the Olympics, but here it basically means you are in the same level as everyone who signed up for a league, forgot they signed up, and have a fully auto-drafted team that starts the same players each week rain or shine, injury or suspension, and playing or on bye because the team owner forgot they are playing fantasy football. To introduce you to each player in this league, I’ll be charting each team’s career Yahoo level progression along with a short back-of-the-baseball-card like player profile so you can obtain a little bit of context on each competitor.
As always, we do this in order of standings. So, without further ado, I bring you the Yahoo “Chicago Bros and Penn douche” League 2019 Midseason Report™:
2019 Chicago Bros & Penn Douche Midseason Report
1st Place: Kuney
Yahoo Career Ratings:
Player Profile:
- Once was challenged to drink a 2-liter of Mountain Dew in under five minutes for $5
- Once failed to drink a 2-liter of Mountain Dew in under five minutes for $5
- Will not suck on a guy’s toe if you ask him to
- Will suck on a guy’s toe if you ask him again
Little back story on Kuney here. I hate Kuney with every fiber of my being and that’s the only reason we are friends. He has been the Big Head of the league these past couple of years slurping on his Big Gulp as he has bungles his way to somehow being good despite being a massive idiot.
Looking through the record books, no one has started off the year 9-0 until now. But Kuney has work to do to beat the all-time wins in a row record of 11 held by none other than yours truly way back in 2012. Not to brag but basically no matter what impressive stat Kuney has achieved, I’ve done it better. Kuney has the #1 and #2 best fantasy players according to my groundbreaking fantasy football WAR analysis I published with FantasyPros this past summer. These top-2 players are Christian McCaffrey and the New England Patriots DST. And yeah, that’s basically all you really need to go 9-0. The only thing Kuney needs to improve on now is his terrible team name. Pretty clever of him to incorporate an entire one player there…
I tried helping him out earlier this year to improve his boring team name. You see, he also has Calvin Ridley and I offered a completely fair and reasonable offer of my JuJu Smith-Schuster for his Chris Carson as a friendly gesture to allow him to incorporate multiple players in the following team name: “I Wentz to get Ridley of the Jus”. This way, I could immediately report him to Yahoo to get his 9-0 ass #cancelled from the league. Offer is still standing.
In all seriousness though, Kuney won the championship two years ago, lost to me in the semis last year (I went on to win the Super Bowl) and is on tear again. Humble brag alert: he is 9-1 in his last ten games with that lone loss against me in the playoffs last year. He’s since gained a Yahoo Platinum (top-90 percentile) performer which is a career high for him, but not me as I’ve gotten higher, and I just can’t wait for the Patriots to play actual NFL caliber teams and CMC to fail a PED test – yep throwing that rumor out in the universe – and watch his team vomit it’s way to failure just like Kuney chugging the Mountain Dew.
