#2nd Place: Heetabh
Yahoo Career Ratings:
Player Profile:
- When not playing fantasy football, “Heets” spends his spare time at his part-time job of being a medical doctor
- Quit the league between 2013 and came back in 2016 after what I’ll assume from his chart above, starting a league that allows only “bronze-level” members
- Once slammed a door on Miller’s finger opening it up to the bone and immediately recommending “it’s fine, it’s fine, let’s just put a Band-Aid on it, it’s fine” before Miller got five stitches
- Again, is a licensed medical doctor
Heetabh is as clever as he is lazy. Before becoming a doctor, he worked from home by sleeping in all day while his work issued laptop maintained its “active state” by monitoring the circular motions of the cursor going back and forth as the mouse cord swayed to and fro by an oscillating fan. I don’t know about you, but this is EXACTLY what I look for in a doctor. If he were to ever show up for my surgery, I know damn well he’ll be rested and have a Band-Aid half peeled before he even looks at my chart.
Anyway, doctors are also basically crooks and when I took my sorry team to his office to see what was wrong with it after the first few weeks this year he said I’d have to have my James Conner replaced for one of his Terry McLaurin implants. Like the desperate slog I was, I agreed to this trade giving my full faith in his medical opinion. Let’s just say this led my fantasy team to go from paraplegic to full quad. Thanks a lot doc.
Heetabh rejoined the league in 2016 and his padded Yahoo rankings plummeted down to reality after getting 11th place in 2017. He fell so low he almost had to diagnose himself as comatose, which if I haven’t made clear yet is basically what “bronze” means. To give you yet more proof of how bad bronze is, Heetabh immediately shot up the rankings in 2018 after not even making the playoffs in 8th place.
#3rd Place: Adam
Yahoo Career Ratings:
Player Profile:
- Despite what the chart suggests, actually tries at fantasy football
- Has a history of character issues such as complaining to me about draft scheduling
- Drafted on his honeymoon one year
- Drafted on his first year anniversary the next year
7th. 9th, 12th, 11th, 11th, 10th. This is the end of season rankings for Adam’s six years. This means that in his seventh year in this league, Adam has yet to make it to the playoffs whatsoever and probably wouldn’t know what to do if he did.
Will this finally be the year? I’m putting the league on watch because this guy has all the ability in the world to put together a team that goes the distance to make the playoffs and go one-and-done. Just look at what’s different this year from the past years. Finally, I stopped scheduling the draft on his second honeymoon (2017) and second first-year marriage anniversary (2018) and in years prior making him draft sneakily on his phone at work.
Honestly though, it’s pretty shocking to see him in third place considering the puzzling decisions he’s made. With a $200 auction draft budget Adam spent $36 on David Montgomery and $20 on Tarik Cohen who are both on the same team that literally ran the ball 7 whole times in one game. And while most fantasy experts recommend drafting one QB, Adam – realizing his shortcomings – felt it necessary to diversify his assets and buy three quarterbacks so that at least one of them would work out. This would have been a decent conservative strategy had he not went with Rodgers, Mayfield, and Ryan. What hubris to think he could get a decent QB with just three attempts? He truly would have been better off auto-drafting which, as a good friend, I’ve been clearly trying to force him to do for years. If he did any worse at selecting QBs than this he might get hired as the next Chicago Bears GM.
