#4th Place: Miller
Yahoo Career Ratings:
Player Profile:
- Injury prone history with finger, but says he’s healthy now
- Has never won the championship, not even once like I did
- Was on SportsCenter camera once at Super Bowl village cheering enthusiastically after the Giants beat the Patriots while wearing a full coat zipped up to the chin hiding his Tom Brady Jersey
Mike “Miller” is too cool to put his full name in his Yahoo profile. You’d think you might want to differentiate yourself from the other 100 billion people named “Mike” living in the same zip code. But I guess adding “Miller” doesn’t do much, but that’s what we call him anyway. Miller is tall, lanky and sings Disney songs on SnapChat at 2am when he’s drunk eight nights a week. That about sums up the entirety of his character development necessary for this report.
Miller is basically the Indianapolis Colts of this league. A better than average record each and every year followed by a quick fizzling out in the playoffs. Except for last year when half his team was injured in the first half of Week 1 (Fournette, Cook, Delanie Walker). He’s never won the championship; not even once like I did. But he has a good shot this year. He’s third in points scored and invested in his future by trading for A.J. Green which he’ll soon get to flex in his lineup as the #1 option for Bengals quarterback *checks notes* Ryan Finley. Good luck with that.
But in looking back on all Miller’s decisions this year, by far his best decision was taking his phone on the elevator during the auction draft, causing him to trip over success by losing service and auto-picking Dak Prescott. This allowed him to immediately overvalue him after three weeks and trade Russell Wilson the week before he blew up for 41 points. In return, Miller hauled in prized octogenarian Larry Fitzgerald out of the deal. Solid stuff there, Miller.
#5th Place: Arvin
Yahoo Career Ratings:
Player Profile:
- Launched a three inch mortar off his crotch and felt the recoil in more ways than one
- Once refused to buy the Lyft home from the bars at 2am after I bought it to get there resulting in us both stubbornly walking three hours home in a less than professional state of sobriety
- Is the guy that drafts a kicker in the 6th round
- Won the league in his first year and didn’t even brag about it once except for a dissertation long string of group messages through every message platform known to man
Kamara. Zeke. Davante Adams. Godwin. Lamar Jackson. Not a bad core to work with. Listen, I’m not one to give any sort of credit to the Penn Douche of the league but if I’m Kuney, I’m worried. This could be the Eli Manning that ends his pretty perfect season with a big fat L. Mainly though, I just want Arvin to know I’m comparing him to this:
