#6th Place: Coleman
Yahoo Career Ratings:
Player Profile:
- Works as a high profile jeweler
- Took over team in 2017 from Chris Nunez after Chris quit from being quite possibly the worst fantasy football player to ever live
- Commishes another league I joined and won the championship in last year too on a team shared with Arvin
- I also won the championship last year in a third league but this section isn’t about me
In only his third year in the league, Coleman’s ranking looks flat-lined, but he finds himself in a respectable 5-4 record this year nonetheless. This is actually more impressive than it seems at the surface. Remember Coleman took the team over from Chris Nunez who left it in as good of shape as Antonio Brown leaves apartment rentals and professional relationships. Cleaning off the stink of Nunez is a process akin to reviving the Cleveland Browns. As Browns history has shown, it’s going to take exactly “still to be determined” years to restore this team to being remotely competitive in the long-run.
Congrats to Coleman though for channeling his inner Nunez and likely setting the single-week low score record in league history. I can’t say if this is for sure because the record books show Nunez holds it with 0.0 points after he benched all his players for whatever Nunez-type reason. Anyway, this performance was still pretty impressive:
#7th Place: Bhupen
Yahoo Career Ratings:
Player Profile:
- Out of the 95 active fantasy player end of season (or through 9 weeks this year) league rankings, Bhupen has the worst of them all at 502 (2013)
- Yeah, he also has the second worst (2012)
- Check that – he has six of the worst-ten ranking finishes in league history
- The other four all belong to Adam
- Back to Bhupen: in his ten years in the league, his top end of season ranking is only the 50th best out of all active league finishes
- Is bad at fantasy football
Here’s how those bottom six out of ten finishes all owned by Bhupen look plotted out. Remember, this is rankings, so the lower the number the better. Also remember, there were a total of 95 results from active league members so you literally can’t get any worse of a ranking than 95 which, of course, belonged to Bhupen:
This might look like your everyday scatter plot, but I’m deeming this constellation “Bhupen”, the face of the saddest fantasy player perhaps ever, replete with a sad tear drop:
I think you have a good sense of Bhupen’s background in fantasy so we can move on to his 2019 report. Just kidding! Let’s do a little bit more back story. You might be shocked to hear this, but Bhupen won the league’s 2018 last place loser trophy which is the following license plate border:
Listen, if you’re douchey enough to get a vanity plate with your own name on it, then you deserve all the laughs coming your way as you drive down the pathetic road of your life. Just look at that. He’s not even the #1 Bhupen out there. As I’ve articulated above, Bhupen has been a habitual “bronze” level fantasy owner over the course of his career as evidenced from his player profile and constellation. He is proof that the “bronze” level has been doing its job in acting as a participation trophy designed by Yahoo to encourage dog shit fantasy players to not quit playing. The only reason it didn’t work on Nunez is because he is probably the only player to ever not even make the top zero percentile.
It’s been eight years of suck and only two years of just above the surface of suck. How he managed to scrape by in 7th place for this year’s Midseason Report ™ is beyond me. I can’t wait for the year when his pent up rage is finally able to be released after year-after-year of Midseason Report™ bashing of his team. It’s going to be so adorable seeing an old man shorter than his walker reach for one of the tennis balls to throw at me. Your day will come Bhupen. Just stay the course and keep sending the league those $50 Venmos. And congrats again on another well earned bronze medal.
