#10th Place: Dad
Yahoo Career Ratings:
Player Profile:
- Spent $60 of his $200 FAAB budget on Malcolm Brown
- Works in IT as a high level programming trainer including advanced Red Hat courses
- Needs technical support to figure out how to nominate players on the Yahoo draft platform which has a big blue button titled “NOMINATE PLAYER” and calls me every year to make me answer questions like this which I could legitimately outsource to toddlers
- Won the league once and lost in the Super Bowl last year to me
Don’t let my dad’s record of 3-6 deceive you. He’s a lot worse than this. After lucking out by having faced the second least amount of points from opponents in the league, dad wasted no time in translating this advantage into a colossal crapping of the bed. At this rate, he’ll be back into bronze territory where he belongs with the other riffraff. Dad is so bad he can’t even beat my bum ass team that scored 60 points last week which could legitimately go down in history as the saddest Super Bowl re-match in history:
#11th Place: Commish El Jefe
Yahoo Career Ratings:
Player Profile:
- Formerly the “Jeffalo Bills” after making it to the Super Bowl three years in a row (2011 – 2013) and once more in 2013 (so total of 4) in the only other league I played during that stretch and, as the name suggests, winning exactly 0 of them
- Promoted to “Platinum Jeffalos” in 2016
- Promoted again to “Diamond Jeffalos” in 2018 after earning diamond-level (99 percentile) Yahoo fantasy team owner status
- Won the 2018 fantasy Super Bowl championship
- Proved this year that diamonds can turn back into coal
It’s been quite the fall from grace for my Super Bowl champion squad. It seems like just yesterday I was cruising down the 405 subs a-blazing to Matoma’s “Party on the West Coast”. Now look at me! 11th place and the theme song of my team has taken a bleak turn:
Don’t let my falling on hard times detract you from reality: I’m still the best in class in this league. Look at the dominance of my historical team rankings. You wouldn’t have even known another level even existed without me breaking though the diamond ceiling. And now look at me! Kicked out of the 1 percenter diamond club like Silicon Valley’s Russ Hanneman got kicked out of the three comma club:
This is what happens when I start a blog and reveal all my research to the world, like that time I created fantasy football wins above replacement (WAR), which I only mention again to remind everyone in the league again that I’m still better than them.
Listen, fantasy football is a lot like economics. Everyone today complains about the 1 percenters, but fantasy football has brought me an appreciation as a now once 1 percenter. People not up on their Thomas Sowell don’t realize that the people in the economic elite rarely stay there. They get pushed out continually and sometimes in brutal fashion as I’m experiencing now. I understand now how devastating it can be for a fictional character like Russ Hanneman to have to downgrade his car from butterfly doors to normal peasant people doors:
Let me tell you – it’s absolutely demeaning to my once 1 percenter psyche to now be considered of-like with the regular, everyday people of this league. A lot of people don’t think about this side of the story. Despite all of this, the facts are still the facts. I am the reigning league champion and will not let my 2-7 record this year detract anyone from recognizing my true greatness. Just look at the dominance I displayed in the 2018 Super Bowl after obliterating my old man:
140.31 to 56.29. The fact that my dad made it to the Super Bowl last year was a joke considering he can’t ever seem to crack 60 points in a game. But that was last year and this is now. And as you’ve likely picked up on, I’m not one to clench to the past. I’m moving forward researching and getting better. Here’s my phone’s home screen just this past week to prove I’m staying fresh on my research by listening to podcasts such as FantasyPros and putting my focus solely on this year:
Speaking of this year: I might be 2 – 7, but I’m 1-0 in my last one games so the celebratory hangover seems to finally be wearing off. And as someone who – if you didn’t know already – won the Super Bowl last year, the only explanation for my slow start is that the fantasy gods are once again after me like they always are. You think I’m crazy for claiming the gods are against me? Let’s do a little thought experiment. Let’s say at the beginning of the year your starting team consists of Deshaun Watson, James Conner, Joe Mixon, Antonio Brown, JuJu Smith-Schuster, Will Fuller, Hunter Henry, Chicago DST and Greg the leg Zuerlein. To say this team would start 2-7 would get you put in an insane asylum. It can’t happen! Not in a million years.
The fantasy gods had to work hard but were finally able to take Antonio Brown away by revealing him to be the absolute biggest piece of shit ever walk the western hemisphere. But his bullshit pales in comparison to their work on the biggest fantasy troll job in recent history: Will Fullershit. At least AB gave you a decent game and didn’t torpedo you in the starting lineups. Just look at how fantasy teams like mine were forced to use Fullershit this year and how that all played out:
Will Fuller fantasy owner recap:
Wks 1-4: started, sucked
Wk5: benched, #1 WR perf of year (773 total)
Wk6: started, sucked AND dropped 3 TDs
Wk7: started, hurt after first catch for 6 yards
Wk8: owners soul completely broken@bobbyfantasypro @friscojosh @WillBrinson pic.twitter.com/gDTLFxzZmv— Stathole Sports (@Statholesports) October 24, 2019
I’ve never seen anyone drop three surefire touchdowns in a game ever. Still wanna say I’m crazy that the fantasy gods are after me? Please.
I’m not trying to make any excuses here. The point of all of this is merely to articulate that none of this is my fault. I’ve defeated the fantasy gods before and I’ll do it again. Maybe not this year. But soon enough, I’ll be opening those 1 percenter butterfly doors once again.
